Perfect Coins

Twisted bodies lie
in a straight line
between what could be
and what never occurred

The above lines, I wrote when last week I overheard my aunt talk about my grandfather’s illness and how no one did anything for him. A) She never knew him or ‘US’ for that matter / A) She’s absolutely right, we left him in a room to rot and die.

HAAAAH! *exhales* So, this will be a ‘oh well’, ‘ah well’ rant. Please allow me to praise myself, for once. I know, no one cares but Oh well – there you are.
I’m am terrible at answering questions. Okay. Terrible. I might have the quickest ‘mind response’ to a situation, yes the quickest and I can bet on that, but hey! I will not speak up. I will shout, and scream, imaginably punch my brain-cells so to make it work effectively. But, can I speak? NO. I have been repeating this to myself over and over again – “I’m doing good.”, “Everything’s fine.”, “It’s okay to be me.” – and is it working? No. Evidently not. This Bob-the-builder ‘Yes we can!’ stance has left me broken in a manner – I can no longer think properly without having the fear of going over to the bad side. A) I belong there A) I know myself to be better than this.

The world doesn’t work like blogs. No customization will change your background. And, I can’t go recite poems out of the blue. This sounds harsh. A) It is. B) It’s all about your choices

I don’t want to look at both sides of the coin! One is enough. I almost always know what real-life situations mean, how the exams were, what my parents think about me, or if my younger brother understands me – I’ve been rarely wrong. Makes me sound like an arrogant, self-proclaimed psychoanalyst. The hellish part kicks in when I won’t do anything about it. I am either too lazy or scared, or perhaps just a simple-minded person who stresses over useless issues. “Five years down the line, this won’t even matter.” is what my only friend wrote to me when I told her all of this. Of course we need a person in our life who has a pragmatic outlook. A) She’s consoling me and she’s right anyway A) She doesn’t give a fuck about me.

But, then that’s half the problem – I don’t want solutions.

Not to mention, trichotillomania has bounced back into my life, mind you – with a flair, it was always here but was latent for a while. I can’t quite put a finger on the exact reason. It’s aggravating. And, at times I struggle to type. The worst is not here yet. I’ll be okay. I love myself. More than anything or anyone. YES. YES. YES.

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6 comments

  1. Oh gosh, this is painful. You’re sure right about life not working like blogs, as to the customization of backgrounds feature… I wish I could think of something profoundly wise/loving/helpfully useful to say. What I generally tell myself is that, people are going to think what they think, assess situations in ways that make them feel better about themselves–usually without considering that others have a perspective which may differ from theirs. I’ve exited all family relationships, friends too–as it takes too much energy to try to find a “meeting of minds”, where everyone’s perspective is accepted, and love reigns. Sending you kind thoughts–God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! That’s exactly what I feel like – it’s almost impossible to find a ‘meeting of minds’ and even if i do, I get exhausted too easily. Maybe it’s a fault on my part but whatever it is, I am not up for it anymore. I’ll go on walking in a straight line, ignoring people, just for the heck of it.
      Thank you very much for understanding and responding. I feel much better today. =)

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  2. I am here for you dear one. Remember your last lines…always come from and give the love to yourself…in the end it is all that matters…as you can love yourself you will be able to love those around you…and I know that is hard sometimes…but it is possible!!! Much love to you!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You said it! I agree, it is possible!!
      I’ve realised that we have a choice, almost, always. And at times it’s important to turn away from what brings us down. I repeat this to myself and write it in my diary everyday – ‘I love myself.’. So, that helps. 🙂
      You’re always an angel, Lorrie. Thank you for being a constant support system. Love you! ❤

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      1. You are very dear to me and I love that you write you love yourself every day!! We move away from that self love as we age and pick up messages from other wounded people that there is something wrong with US! I think most people don’t even realize it is happening. So the key to turning everything around is to love ourselves. The more we can do that the more capacity we have to love all the other wounded people!! ♡♡

        Like

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