a me

had i been real for once here
this what you are reading
right now
would have been invisible

between teeth glued with
a forbidden shyness
i would have homed lies about
my favourite books and songs

due to a narcissistic fear
i would have licked the sole
of your shoes and gulped down
the teary sheet of moss
stuck to my tongue

i would have smiled more often
and breathed only once i had
confirmed myself of kaleidoscope
beads for your eyes

because there’s a me that’s
flesh and blood
which reeks
of abdication
of hypocrisy
of conforming
of conquering
of satisfaction
so much so
that i wonder
if this here
the one writing this
the one who becomes a past
with every letter she types

did she ever exist?

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13 comments

  1. Powerful. I sense such a battle between wanting and needing to be seen but at the same time, remain invisible. All the things we wanted to say but didn’t say and the regrets that only highlight our belief of failure and need for recognition by others. That’s my interpretation. I love the flow of this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your interpretation is what the poem is about. Wow, it feels incredible to read what’s on one’s mind. It’s exactly as you said – wanting and needing to be seen but remain invisible – moreover because the few times that I have let others ‘discover’ me haven’t done any good to me. It’s as I said I am insecure to the extent of not letting others know what books I read…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I didn’t do your piece much justice with my comment but it is late and I’m not as young as I was yesterday.

        Books…..I’ll freely admit to reading all manner of things. It would be impossible to judge me based on the cover of a book. No different to making a judgement based on the fact that I’m covered in tattoos. Never be afraid of the choices you make. I have ‘Tarka The Otter’ next to my bed and just on top of that is ‘Psychopathia Sexualis.’ I have also been known to read a number of seedy novels that most would scoff at but I’ll happily stick one finger up to them and also admit to liking Boyzone.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Trust me, your words are crisp enough to do justice to the poem.
        I guess you could say that, yeah. At least in front of some people – especially those I think won’t understand or appreciate – I tend to keep quiet and, dare I say, lie too. It has lessened significantly and I hope to get better. It’ll probably mellow some of my issues.
        Everyone ought to read ‘Tarka The Otter’ while listening to Boyzone. ‘Hah! That’s my childhood, right there,’ as some would exclaim.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. A lie is for the most part, harmless, if the other party is not affected in a detrimental fashion. Just because it’s not on your shelf, doesn’t mean that it won’t be at some time in the future. We can also of course, have an imaginary library and in the confines of that room, anything goes. View it positively and embrace it for what it is….a creativity of the mind.

        Liked by 1 person

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