I am criminally shy

in one of my day-nightmares –
when i stared at the sun through
my car’s scratch-fed windows and
mistook it to be the traffic light –
swam these images in my head
small motion-clips too perhaps
Of 20,000 people standing in a row
And me going to each one of them
greeting them as they’d wish
A soft bow
or a sad song
introducing my new persona
that I have acquired while
they have been busy not caring
’cause thankfully they have
a life which has been theirs all along

As I greet them all –
Tell them a joke
Dance with some
While marry a few
I become what they’ve
seen me as
I finally see a smile on
their beautiful faces,
a smile that travels
from their eyes to mine
rather than being reflected
from a stranger’s into mine
while I stared at my saviour’s back

I have found approval –
A seed planted at my inception
With roots so deep
even death couldn’t do us part

For the 20,000th time
I end up with the same solution
I wonder why it feels new
every time

I am woken up by a gentle
tap on my shoulder by mum
I feel confident

I walk for another 10 years
Waiting to find them
While enhancing images in my head
I am a stand up comedian now
A ballet dancer with a houseful show
I am going to drop my kids to school…

10 years and
I meet one of those 40,000 faces
And I remember every detail about her
I look down and flutter through
the approved-picture-diary
I know she had always liked
the colour lilac and soft spoken people
I look at my skin and curse it for not changing its colour
I try to speak – every word measured for the pleasure of her ears
I open my mouth to utter the sentence I had stitched so diligently…

While she stares at me – perhaps appreciating my courage –
she taps her feet and I know she’s growing impatient but
I am trying!
I am trying, alright!
I am trying, mum, dad, brother
I said I am trying…

But what binds me to my subconsciousness
is what separates me from my sanity –
the Forest of Approval with roots
so deep even death couldn’t do us part

It would seem that since it
roots lie in me – my approval
I have placed it the highest
And my approval has been,
is and will always be –
in shyness

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12 comments

  1. “introducing my new persona
    that I have acquired while
    they have been busy not caring
    ’cause thankfully they have
    a life which has been theirs all along”
    and
    I could just save you the trouble and copy paste the entire poem and say I loved it. I can really relate to this. I’m not sure if this is something everyone feels, or maybe just a few. Why don’t I know? Because noone dares to admit or sing from their own heart (or whatever vacuum is there instead of it) something of such accord.

    “I know she had always liked
    the colour lilac and soft spoken people
    I look at my skin and curse it for not changing its colour
    I try to speak – every word measured for the pleasure of her ears
    I open my mouth to utter the sentence I had stitched so diligently…”

    Beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope there are others too who can relate to it – it’s alright for only some of us to bear the discomfort of sharing it. But then I’m an anonymous here so can’t really brag now, can I? Hah.
      Thank you very much! Encouraging words coming from mean a lot ’cause I somehow know you’re one of the few (3) people who’d understand. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I love how you know it’s exactly three people. Sort of a morose implication though. I’ve been trying to email you but my computer won’t cooperate. Maybe it’s giving me a second chance at reviewing what I wrote. I’ll try again later. And you’re very welcome.
        Despite the sheer melancholy of bleeding out words, having a blog and a motivation for writing is really nothing to complain about. And you’re pretty much all the community I have here so thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for not considering unspeakably weird…and that’s the upper-limit.
        Gah, computers have always hated me. Inform yours “It’s mutual”. I am in a strange mood today. On a serious parchment, take your time. I’m far from 40, right now.
        I’m done with failing at trying to be humorous. I promise.
        It’s my pleasure. Truly.
        Also, with all due respect I’d like to bring it to your notice that your current profile is associated with kososheep.wordpress.com which I think you’ll have to change to initialsandaheartbeat.wordpress.com, yeah?

        Like

  2. No respect expected. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and changing my username was the most productive and unsheepish thing I’ve done all week. (haha, kososheep. Sheepish. Ugh unsheepish isn’t even a word, when will I be stopped?)

    I’ll just fiddle around with buttons until I get its sympathy. Direct methods of manipulation are too far fetched.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, but you deserve respect, sir. I just didn’t want to sound like a preachy jerk (as if I know what I am doing with my blog)…oh well.
      I’d like to drop a petition for the Oxford guys to include ‘Unsheepish’ in their dictionary. You need not stop.
      True, very true. Fiddling around always works, says my inept-self.

      Like

  3. Sorry I’m storming you with sporadic comment today 🙂
    Well, I guess I can def relate.
    Not as much shy, more of an incidental loner? I don’t mind talking to people when I know it’s rude not to. Life is hard on the streets sometimes, all those stop and chats and stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Both – your sporadic poetry and comments are always welcome. 🙂 🙂
      Incidental loner – that’s a nice term for the description you gave! I won’t mind making people around me miserable with the silence between us. It could be with sadistic intentions too…let’s not.
      Yeah. I wonder if it ever gets better. Sometimes all of this makes me wish for soul-swapping superpowers. Haha

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m kinda seeing you now as one of those awkwardness enabling types, which is awesome!
        It’s funny how people allow themselves to be intimidated by silence. It’s as if some people can’t bear to hear themselves think, or the sound of dust exchanging zones or evaporating or whatever that mystery is. I’m sure you revel in the relentlessness of restless natures (especially unnatural, I know for me anyway)
        It’s nice when conversations are given mutual pause. Sometimes it can feel euphoric instead of awkward, or both. Anyway it’s all interesting 😋

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Darn it! You have me all figured out now! Hahaha. But yeah i am one of those people…yep.
        ‘dust exchanging zones’ – I have thought that too! Most people are too callous, I suppose, which is good for them as I am sure they don’t suffer from bouts of terrible headaches due to overthinking. It is definitely interesting.

        Liked by 1 person

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