we will always lose

how fickle can some people be who
expect you to accept both
their vulnerable and glorious selves
you cry and i submit to your pleas
you bluster and i worship you
i wish this mercurial behaviour
makes your skin break and swallows you whole
spits you out for the distaste
your silver self-love and
platinum arrogance of that self love
wouldn’t even let you disappear
such is the force of your existence
such is the intensity of the illusions you carry about yourself
i believe everyone is the same
but not everyone will have a mirror painted silver on the other side
some will look through it and spend another
thousand on a lipstick or a cologne
– it’s pitiable how easy it is to love oneself
if you haven’t been trained to live otherwise –
but that’s just a layer of coloured whale blubber and
a whiff of self-confidence
that you put on yourself to blend in the crowd yet
stand out because it shouts of you trying so hard
it’s the sandstorm of life that blew you away with itself
promising you another smile from a fellow human you liked
promising you that car your neighbour owns
promising you the bright eyes of some impressive people
promising you that book you thought would make you
sound smarter than others
it has come to you in all of your glory in the
smile of that human you liked who doesn’t care about your presence
in all of you vulnerability after buying the same car as
your neighbour when now they have decided to
choose spirituality over the bourgeois
and now you know those people had bright
eyes because you had placed them on a pedestal
the glory of that book never making you sound
smarter because you have never even liked reading books
you’ve never really liked anything at all
and that is the way it is
you’re a person disinterested in life
others asking you to push yourself has only
deformed you more than ever
you so wish to wake up to all of this –
the truth – but now the sand has become a
part of your eyes, your limbs, the air,
your ground
you can no longer find the past
for you have changed it by changing your
present self into something you were never
supposed to be

In each and every case
you have lost and continue to do so
that’s how every living being is
so when she asked me why i don’t consume
nutritious food when my bones crackle
like lego blocks
that’s because i hate every particle of
sand and every cell of my body
just not enough to not sustain its existence
and enough to make me look like a hideous scenery

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6 comments

  1. Wow. This is about as raw as it gets and yet hits on a universal truth: playing the game, no matter how distasteful, is the only way to survive in the eyes of others. It takes great courage to stand outside. I applaud you.

    Liked by 1 person

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